Here's a small glimpse into the Gentle home and my heart...
On Friday, I decided to do the laundry. For the past year or so, that's been Ross' job. He is kind of particular about it and likes to take things out of the dryer at various times and hangs them to dry. When I was teaching, and spent a good chunk of Saturday writing lesson plans, the idea of being that cautious with the laundry was daunting. He agreed to do it for us. And I am thankful for his work.
But now with Caleb around, and his never-ending feeding/sleeping/playing schedule and the laundry cycles.... our Saturdays get eaten up so quickly. So I decided to carefully do the laundry on Friday so that we could do something other than feed the baby and wash the clothes on Saturday.
Well... I'm not as cautious as Ross and left a couple things in too long, which resulted in some slightly wrinkly polo shirts. Not a huge deal. Not something that our iron can't fix. I didn't stress over it and was proud of the 3 loads I had done- the clean clothes and the clean sheets.
When Ross came home, it was pretty obvious that the laundry had been completed. Because it wasn't really complete.... I had started folding but hadn't finished, so it was lying out on a couch for his eyes to see. And, really, just waiting for a thank-you.
A thank-you was not what I received, however. Ross likes to joke around and does so often and lovingly. It's one of the ways he shows affection. So about an hour after he has gotten home he says, "How'd this shirt get so wrinkly anyway?"
He had a huge smile on his face and I had tears streaming down mine. This resulted in, really, a whole weekend of frustration, failed communication and stubbornness.
I claimed that all I wanted was a little bit of appreciation- for him to express happiness in what I did for him, cause I sure do a lot of him and he should really be thankful- that he didn't know how good he had it.
Sin... sin... sin....
My sadness and bad mood really comes from a heart that's more concerned about ME and that I am getting the praise that I think I deserve. It's really hard during those times to think about HIM and what HE does and the praise I should be giving HIM.
(Now, really, my heart's desire to be appreciated, loved and valued is not wrong- but if it is keeping me from expressing love to my husband, and keeping me from praising God for the good that He is working in our marriage, then it is SIN!!)
So that's where my heart is right now. Trying to recalibrate itself to think about God's goodness, the ways that Ross is gracious to me and trusting that God knows my heart's desires and that He can work in Ross' heart to express gratitude to me.
I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one with these kinds of problems... If you are going through a similar situation, where it sure is easier to be angry and disappointed with your husband than to love him, be encouraged that LOVE is what God wants you to do, and it's hard, but worth it ; )
Great post Dru-Lynn! I love your transparency so much. It always amazes me how marriage, and relationships in general, cause our selfishness to raise its filthy little head and interrupt what God intended for good. As stay at home moms in particular, we want (and need to some degree) to be thanked, praised, honored, respected... and those things are good, but like all desires they can easily become our focus as we glorify ourselves & not our Creator God.
ReplyDeleteYour right when you simply said, "sin, sin, sin."
It is so important to be aware of our sin and constantly run to our Savior with humble and repentant hearts.
Thanks for the helpful reminder Dru-Lynn!
One of the earliest "fights" I can remember as a newleywed was about burner covers. Remember them? Before a lot of smooth, ceramic, cooktops became popular, it was popular to cover the burners with some color coordinated decor for a prettier kitchen. Well, one day after a hard days work I came home to find that my new husband had cleamed up breakfast dishes I'd left in a hurry and made dinner. I was surprised and very pleased about the surprise but as I examined his work the OCD in me raised it's ugly head and without thinking I straightened dish towels and turned each burner cover upright as they happened to have a duck design and they were askew or upside down so the ducks weren't aligned. Then I noticed my not-too-touchy husband's face. He was hurt. His surprise and selfless sacrifice wasn't good enough? It seemed to be what my fixing was communicating to him but I didn't patch it up. Instead I explained and wasted more time when I could have made it all better with a giant hug and kisses and a simple gracious heart. Thanks for this input. Love IS hard work sometimes but so very worth it.
ReplyDeleteI don't think it's wrong to express your need to feel appreciated by your husband... It is more the way that you express it. Maybe, take some time to cool down, and approach it later this way, "When _____ happened, I felt _______" This should start a discussion in a much less combative way and hopefully lead to better understanding in the future. Yes, you should praise him for the things he does that are wonderful, but don't suffer in silence over the things that really hurt either. Light and Love.
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