It's been a joy knowing that I am giving Caleb the best food for his body and I didn't mind burning all those extra calories, either : ), but, honestly, I'd been looking forward to the day that I could quit.
It's hard finding time to pump several times a day. For a while, I took it with me wherever I went and pumped in some pretty strange places (in random pastor's offices at church, in the car on the way to Disneyland...) It was a chore.
And then there was the period of time when things were NOT working. I was getting clogs every day and infections every week. I hated it. I wanted to quit. But my desire to persevere and do the best for Caleb strengthened me.
Now, 9 months later, I thought I was ready to be done. I've been waiting for this day, right? The day of freedom, to not schedule a whole day around naps and feedings and pumpings. But now I'm a bit hesitant. This is what I've scheduled my life around for the past 9 months : )
I've discovered that not only is there an emotional attachment to Caleb getting my milk (my immediate sadness when I make a bottle of formula) but there's also a sense of worth from providing my milk for him.
Don't you see? I'm important because I sacrifice for my son. He needs me. This makes me valuable.
That's not exactly truthful thinking. My milk is important- but it's not that important. My value and worth does not come from the fact that I provide for my son. It comes from the fact that, ultimately, God provided His Son as a sacrifice for my sins.
People like to equate what we do with how valuable we are. But God doesn't look at it that way. We are valuable because He has made us and provided a way to redeem us.
Due to emotions and hormones, I will be sad when that day comes when Caleb is strictly weaned and the milk flows no more, but I don't have to be depressed about it.
Because Christ's love is what makes me valuable, not breastmilk ; )
No comments:
Post a Comment