But the hardest part, for me, has been breastfeeding.
Ross and I had decided, even before we got pregnant, that I would breastfeed our babies. I knew then that it would be a challenge. There aren't many women who don't have some kind of complication with breastfeeding. I knew there would be times when it would hurt, times when I would be inconvenienced, and times when I would want to give up. Still, we knew it was the best for Caleb, and I was willing to sacrifice for him.
However, Caleb and I had troubles from day 1. For a variety of reasons, Caleb was unable to latch on. When he was brand new, he was very sleepy and showed no desire to nurse. Later on, we discovered that he didn't really know how to suck at all. Here I had a beautiful, healthy baby boy who was struggling to eat. The heartbreak began...
I saw a lactation consultant in the hospital who had me start pumping my breastmilk. The nurses had started feeding him formula, which I did not like. Feeding him my milk out of a bottle seemed like a decent compromise.
We went home with a baby and a Medela Symphony breastpump. I had friends come over and try to help Caleb latch correctly. He wouldn't have it. He'd arch his back and scream and cry. Again, the heartache continued...
So one day I decided that we were just going to pump. I knew a number of women whose milk never came in. I had it, he just needed help getting it. I would help my son get what he needed.
When I made that decision, I had NO IDEA what a commitment that would be. I pump 7 times a day for 2o minutes. That's a lot of time. One of those pumps is in the middle of night. Caleb started sleeping through the night, pretty consistently, about a month ago. I set an alarm and get up for 1/2 an hour while my sweet boys sleep in peace.
It is NOT easy! Remember Colossians 3:17? Where we are supposed to do everything- the good, the bad, the ugly for Jesus' sake? And we are to be thankful to God for the opportunity to do it? I don't always do that. It's easy to get consumed in my own selfishness- to think about what else I could be doing with all that time or all that sleep.
On the other hand, it's easy to become self-righteous about it, too. See what an amazing mom I am because I give all this time for my son? That's not what Christ wants either!
So what I'm working on, every day, 7 times a day- is to be mindful of Christ and thankful to God. Thankful that I have a sweet baby boy, thankful that I have milk for him, thankful that I have a husband who steps in and helps wherever necessary, thankful that Christ is my ultimate example of sacrifice.
Because, really, 2o minutes 7 times a day, even at night, pales in comparison to the fact that God gave His Son up to die for our sins. If God can do that, then I can pump : )
P.S. If you or someone you know every finds yourself in a situation similar to mine, I'd love to encourage you. Please feel free to grab me at church or send me an e-mail. Breastfeeding is really hard and sometimes it feels like no one understands how you feel. I'd love to sit and listen.
