Another Baby...

Caleb has always been a sincere joy- between his sheer cuteness and curiosity- but he is even more of a joy now- without the colic, without the mid-night feedings, without the screaming for "no apparent reason." We have a system now and a schedule and a language, really. He understands me and I understand his needs. It's a beautiful thing : )

And something that urges my heart towards another baby. So a few months ago, I stopped popping the nightly birth control pill and hoped for the best.

Unfortunately, I had forgotten how heartwrenching "making a baby" can be.

You'd think, with all of our knowledge about biology and science, that conceiving a baby is easier these days. We now know what to look for. We can count calendar days or take temperatures and know "the day" when it all can happen. And once we know that we simply woo our husbands while wearing a new piece of lingerie and Wha-La- baby! Right?? Wrong.

The problem with all this "knowledge" is that we begin to think that we actually are in control of this situation. As if we're the ones that are actually making the babies. Ha! How off-course is that? Sure, my husband and I must participate in the process, and it sure does help if we participate at the right time, but really, that our simple, frail bodies make a whole new life? To say that would be to rob credit to the One who really is in charge of EVERYTHING.

God makes babies. He is the giver of life to EVERYTHING on the planet. Ross and I may try to make a baby at just the right time, but if it isn't God's will- it's not going to happen. Alternatively, two unmarried people caught in a fit of passion may want anything but a baby, but if it's God's will- lo and behold, a new life is created.

We are not in control. Of most things, really. God is. And while at first I can be upset with that truth, in the end I am grateful. For He knows all things. He knows how far apart Caleb and his brothers and sisters should be. He knows the plan He has for our next one- the friends that child will grow up with, the influence that child will have and his time must not be here just yet.

I say that like I believe it, and I do. But gee, it's hard to remember sometimes! Would you pray for me- for us? Would you pray along with Ross and me (and Caleb, really) that God would bless our family with a new little life in His good timing. Would you pray that God would give us patience along the way?

Thanks, friends : )

Weaning Woes

In case you didn't know, I am not your typical breastfeeding mom. Caleb never latched correctly, so for the past 9 months, I've pumped my milk for him. (You can read the whole story here).

It's been a joy knowing that I am giving Caleb the best food for his body and I didn't mind burning all those extra calories, either : ), but, honestly, I'd been looking forward to the day that I could quit.

It's hard finding time to pump several times a day. For a while, I took it with me wherever I went and pumped in some pretty strange places (in random pastor's offices at church, in the car on the way to Disneyland...) It was a chore.

And then there was the period of time when things were NOT working. I was getting clogs every day and infections every week. I hated it. I wanted to quit. But my desire to persevere and do the best for Caleb strengthened me.

Now, 9 months later, I thought I was ready to be done. I've been waiting for this day, right? The day of freedom, to not schedule a whole day around naps and feedings and pumpings. But now I'm a bit hesitant. This is what I've scheduled my life around for the past 9 months : )

I've discovered that not only is there an emotional attachment to Caleb getting my milk (my immediate sadness when I make a bottle of formula) but there's also a sense of worth from providing my milk for him.

Don't you see? I'm important because I sacrifice for my son. He needs me. This makes me valuable.

That's not exactly truthful thinking. My milk is important- but it's not that important. My value and worth does not come from the fact that I provide for my son. It comes from the fact that, ultimately, God provided His Son as a sacrifice for my sins.

People like to equate what we do with how valuable we are. But God doesn't look at it that way. We are valuable because He has made us and provided a way to redeem us.

Due to emotions and hormones, I will be sad when that day comes when Caleb is strictly weaned and the milk flows no more, but I don't have to be depressed about it.

Because Christ's love is what makes me valuable, not breastmilk ; )

The Morning After

Last night, Ross and I had a tearful conversation. One that we've had many times in the past, and one that we will surely have many times in the future.

I wanted something from him and felt that it was a need that must be met quickly.

He saw it as a desire that could most certainly wait.

I thought he was being stubborn and insensitive.

He thought I was being childish and selfish.

(In the grand scheme of things, we are probably both right on all accounts.)

Late night conversations like this make the next morning hard. He leaves early for work- where he will be distracted for 8+ hours and I stay at home where I will dwell on it for 8+ hours.

As I've said, we've had this conversation several times before, so I've experienced this "morning after" situation several times before. This morning, I decided I wanted it to be different. I didn't want to be tearful throughout the day, didn't want to replay the conversation in my head, didn't want to reargue my points. He is not here to discuss it with me. I must move on.

It is so easy, at times like this, to dwell on his sin. (Not mine, of course, but his). This is not beneficial. Yes, my husband is a sinner- but if forgiveness and reconciliation are going to happen- I need to let that sin go.

This is not easy. However, when we look at the fullness of Christ, like we did yesterday, it becomes far easier.

I am hurt because it feels like Ross doesn't understand my needs and desires. But Christ does. He understands them better that I do, actually.

I am hurt because I feel like Ross is being insensitive. But Christ cares for me more than I can ever know. Although he is above all things- his thoughts are on me.

I am hurt because I feel like Ross will not sacrifice a little of what he wants for what I want. But Christ has withheld nothing from me- actually giving His life for me on the cross.

I will dwell on these truths today and pray that the LORD softens my heart- so that when Ross comes home tonight, I am not a wife full of bitterness and sadness, but rather forgiveness and hope.

What's on your Back Burner?

The last several days, I've had an air of stress about me. It didn't seem to matter what I was doing or who I was with, in the back of my brain, I had a million thoughts about a million things that "must" get done or be figured out. And all those million things running around back there, without one solution in sight, leads to great anxiety.

I'd mentioned this to Ross- that I just wish I could let go of all those things and be calm. This morning, I found a cure : )

Caleb woke up a little late today- so I had a few extra minutes this morning. I pondered what I should do on such a peaceful morning in such a peaceful, clean house (we had guests yesterday : ) ). It seemed like the perfect time to pick up the Word and spend a minute with Him. So I did.

I read a passage in Colossians about Christ's Supremacy. I read it once and tried to sink it in, then I read it again- praising God as I did. "Christ is the image of the invisible God. He makes You known. He shows us your heart in human form. Thank you, Jesus!!"

Reading and praising definitely boost one's joy and peace, but I even took it a step further and asked God if He would please put these thoughts on the back burner of my brain. That thoughts on Christ's authority, His fullness, the fact that He holds EVERYTHING together- that those thoughts would be dwelling in my mind.

And He has answered that prayer! Peace and joy abound as I consider that Christ is the fullness of everything I could ever need. Thanks, Jesus!

I encourage you to read this passage as well and to meditate on it. It is Colossians 1:15-20. Read and soak in the beauty and majesty of our Savior. But don't close your Bible and forget about Him, rather- let Him sit on the back burner guiding your thoughts and feelings throughout the day : )

Caleb's Eczema

At the beginning of May, Caleb's little dry spots on the backs of his legs suddenly exploded with red, splotchy, itchy, pussy eczema : (

It was a really sad time for our family. Caleb was incredibly uncomfortable and Mom and Dad were incredibly confused. I took him to the doctor and was given a bunch of prescriptions, a bunch of directions and this piece of information "We must get it under control now. He will probably have a number of flare ups during his childhood. He will hopefully grow out of it. Hopefully..."

Not encouraging for a 1st time mom. Hopefully? What does that mean? I remember walking across the parking lot at the doctor's office right after this first visit. I wanted to just sit down and cry. I started to pray, "LORD, please miraculously take Caleb's eczema away." Then I stopped. And felt, deep within me, that that wasn't the what I was supposed to say. I swallowed hard and started over again. "LORD, thank you that you will never leave us or forsake us. Please help me to feel your presence during this time."

My first prayer was so selfish- God, just get me out of this situation! My second prayer was based on truth. He won't leave us or forsake us. Trials come to develop perseverance and faith. And that's exactly what happened : )

Caleb's eczema got worse before it got better. He developed a yeast infection from the antibiotic. Every diaper change we had to rinse him over the sink, instead of using wipes. (Mom got peed on a number of times...) The eczema traveled to his face, where it looked like he had rug burn all over it. It was hard. There were lots of tears- for baby and Mom.

But God was there- holding on to us, reminding us that all of this world, even our bodies, are temporal, but that His love and faithfulness last forever.

Thank you, Jesus!

P.S. Caleb's skin looks great now! : )

Overwhelmed!

I have been a little stressed lately. There's just so much to do:

Wash the dishes, sweep the floor, feed the baby, change the baby, pack for a 3 day trip, wash more dishes, change the baby again, help husband write a sermon for the youth group, go on a very fun, but exhausting, 3 day trip, come home, pretend to unpack, wash more dishes, plan a coffee night, try not to fall asleep at said coffee night, ponder planning a slumber party retreat for 50+ ladies, wash more dishes....

My work is never done! And when I think about it that way, it's so easy to be overwhelmed, to feel like it's never all going to get done. And, honestly, when I feel that way, I just want to quit.

I know that it's not God's desire for me to be discouraged and overwhelmed. He wants me to work hard with a joyful heart for His glory. He wants my mind to be full of thoughts of Him, not worries about tomorrow.

So here's my prayer for today and everyday that I feel overwhelmed (okay, okay... simply every day...)

LORD, I cast all my anxieties on you today. Help me to not be overwhelmed by the things I feel must get done. Rather, please overwhelm my heart with your love.

'Cause really, His love is much more lasting than the dishes : )

Out of the Habit...

In case you haven't noticed, I haven't blogged in a really long time. There's no real good reason for this, except the title of this post. I've simply gotten out of the habit of doing it. Having never really set aside a specific time to write, it very easily got pushed aside as my days got busier and busier. I hope you will have mercy on me as well as relate to my situation.

Surely, I am not the only one who gets out of the habit of something sometimes. What do you need to develop as a habit?

Perhaps it's spiritual- reading the Word everyday, casting your cares upon Him, hiding His word in your heart, sitting quietly and listening to His voice. (I need to work on that last one...)

Perhaps it's physical- exercising, stretching, eating 3 times a day (sometimes we let life get so busy we even forget to eat...)

Perhaps it's relational- going on a date with your husband, giving your mom a phone call, playing with your children (really playing, not checking your e-mail while playing- this is my problem...)

Whatever it is, let's work together to do it habitually. Because it is that important.

See you back here tomorrow!!