I've Counted up the Cost...

In the past week, I've had the opportunity to listen to 2 great speakers and to one awesome band. God is using them to speak to my heart- convicting it and asking me to change.

And I want to.

But I don't.

'Cuz I'm scared.

Our God is a BIG God. He does BIG things. He does strange and unconventional things. His ways are above our ways... and they don't always make sense to us.

But when God works- awesome things happen.

He brings life to dead places.

He saves and redeems hearts.

Something inside me wants to be a part of this BIG, unconventional, spiritual, inspiring work. And something else inside wants to hide in the corner.

The unknown is scary!

These thoughts and fears are revealing to me my need to get to know this BIG God better.

I need to be in the Word even more- looking for His mighty hand at work.

Trusting that He hasn't changed and that while He may lead His people to dangerous places, they are safe in His arms.

I need to take steps of faith outside my comfort zone. He will use me and every little experience that I have of listening to His voice and obeying will give me more personal examples of his faithfulness and trustworthiness.

The awesome band that I mentioned earlier (Rend Collective Experiment is their name) has a song called "The Cost." Caleb and I danced to it the other day and I just broke down in tears. I so want to sing this song from my heart, but a part of me is still fearful.

I encourage you to listen to the song here.

Think about the lyrics. Can you sing them honestly?

I'm in the process of counting up the cost.

I know that He is SO worth it : )

No Perfect Time

I am a firm believer in the idea that your spouse should be your best friend. That they should know what is on your heart- what brings you great joy, what hopes you have for the future and what is, most currently, bringing you anxiety or stress. God desires for us to be one with each other, and that means our hearts just as much as our bodies and lives.

I want to share absolutely everything with Ross, but some things are delicate. Some things have a lot of thought behind them and a lot of emotion invested in them. Some things involve sin and conviction and repentance. Some things are heavy- not light.

And so I wait... for the "perfect" time to talk.

I hope some of you are laughing right now. Because, in reality, the "perfect" time doesn't exist.

It didn't exist before Caleb, either, but some times seemed perfect- now, none do.

I've had some things on my heart lately, and I had been waiting for the weekend to discuss them with Ross. The weekend came. Friday night we saw Francis Chan with some people from the youth group. You can't have meaningful conversation while you're listening to someone else speak! It took us nearly 45 minutes to leave the parking lot. That seemed like an opportunity, but Ross was growing increasingly impatient. Nope. Talking with a frustrated husband while he's behind the wheel is definitely not a good idea...

And the excuses keep coming. It's hard to talk while Caleb is running around the house. You leave him alone for a second and he's got two hands in the toilet. It's near impossible to talk with a football game on the television. (Insert sigh here.) Take heart, dear friends. There's none on next weekend, 1 game the Sunday after that, and then we are free for several months...

So all this distraction goes on and my need for deep conversation grows deeper and deeper still until it's Sunday night and we're crawling into bed. "I want to talk to you," I say to my eyes-halfway-open husband. "Okay," he mumbles. With my eyes closed and my nose somewhat scrinched up I say that this isn't exactly the atmosphere I had hoped for our conversation. He opens his eyes wide, looks straight at me and says what he's said 100 times before. "There's no perfect time. Just go for it."

And I did. And I'm glad.

Perhaps you have a conversation that needs to be had. And there hasn't been a good time to have it. The perfect time isn't coming anytime soon, dear friend. Just go for it : )

The Gift of Pregnancy

Have you ever been to a shower where you prayed over the woman of honor? I think it is the coolest idea. My first experience with that was my own baby shower for Caleb. Our pastor's wife shared some biblical thoughts on motherhood and then she prayed for Caleb, my mom prayed for me and a lady who had mentored Ross and me in the youth group prayed for Ross. There wasn't a dry eye in the room and my heart was so very encouraged.

A few months later, it was our pastor's wife's turn to be prayed over : ) She was expecting her 3rd boy (that's requires prayer in and of itself!) and several ladies from the church gathered together to shower her with love, gifts and prayer. I had been asked to praise God for this pregnancy. I had never really thought about that before, but I found such joy in thanking God for the gift of pregnancy.

At 30 weeks pregnant myself, I've been thinking about that more and more lately. Isn't God good to give us the gift of pregnancy?

Just think. He could deliver babies to our arms in so many ways (the stork comes to my mind...) but instead, He asks for our participation for 9 months. He causes our children to grow inside us- completely dependent on us for nourishment and protection. Before we even see or hear our babies, we are deeply, emotionally connected to them.

That's a gift.

And then there's the process of actually bringing them into the world (I'm sure I'll blog more about this as our big day approaches!) He could just bring them to us, but instead He asks for our participation and for our trust.

While pregnancy can start to get a little uncomfortable, and life with a baby belly can be hormonally charged and physically exhausting, God uses ALL of it to connect us to these little people- before anyone else gets to meet them.

Isn't that the coolest thing? Yes, Ross has felt the baby kick and heard her little heartbeat, but he doesn't know her like I do. You can't possibly know her like I do. For she is growing inside me, and God is growing my heart and filling it with His love for her.

In a couple months, I'll have to share Baby Girl with you. And I will want to, but for now, I'm enjoying getting to know her all by myself : )

Psalm 139:13

New International Version 1984 (NIV1984)

¹³ For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

The Epi-Pen

For several months, our family fought diaper rash long and hard. Poor Caleb's bottom was often bright red and raw. Our pediatrician (who we mostly really like) kept giving us topical things to put on it. It would get a little better, then far worse.

After talking to LOTS of moms, we became convinced that it wasn't an external problem, but an internal one. Caleb was eating something that was bugging him. So we experimented with lots of things- substituting rice milk for cow's milk, avoiding baby wipes entirely, we even took a very expensive trip to a naturopathic doctor. She told us to give up cow's milk entirely (milk, cheese, yogurt, etc) as well as bananas and soy. We did and things got better but not perfect.

I finally made an appointment with an allergist. She is super sweet and kind (even though she ordered a test that poked my baby a bunch of times...)

The results? Caleb is not allergic to cow's milk- or the lactose or protein inside it. He's not allergic to bananas or soy. He's not allergic to a single grass or mold (as of yet...). He is, however, severely allergic to tree nuts.

Go figure, right?

We've continued avoiding cow's milk of all kinds. Caleb drinks goat's milk with a multivitamin and a probiotic stirred in. We still don't use typical baby wipes, but wet paper towels. (Not only less chemicals, but less money, too.)

And I now carry an Epi-Pen where ever I go.

I picked them up from the pharmacy yesterday and listened with wide eyes as the pharmacist explained how to use it and, if I ever do, that I must call 911- because this is a serious emergency. I looked back at Caleb happily dangling his feet in the shopping cart and took a deep breath.

Ross spent quite a bit of time yesterday "playing" with the training device that comes with the pens. He "shot" it into his own leg several times and tried keeping Caleb still enough to try shooting it into his. (Just in case you have no idea what I am talking about... the real one has a needle in it. The trainer doesn't. Still, I wouldn't let Ross get near me with the training device...)

As Ross is sitting on the floor, trying to get Caleb still so he can practice on him, I mention that if he was really having an allergic reaction so bad that we would need to use it, we probably wouldn't be thinking about not hurting him with the pen- adrenaline would probably take over.

Ross nodded his head in agreement and then we both looked at Caleb- smiling, as he tried grabbing the trainer out of Daddy's hand.

I wanted to cry.

And then I remembered a truth that we have to live by everyday, some days more fervently than others.

Romans 8:15

"For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, 'Abba, Father.' "

Yes, LORD. I am not a slave to fear. Yes, it is true that some horrible, awful thing could happen to my son. But it's not my job to fear it. If fear overtakes me or something truly awful does happen, I can cry "Abba, Father!" and know that you hear me.

What a relief!

Quiet Time Redone

Last Friday, I had the opportunity to sit down and take a personal retreat- a time to read, pray, and think about my life. It was a really sweet time for my heart. I highly encourage you to carve out some time for yourself to take one!

(I spent about 3 solid hours "retreating" and then took the opportunity to eat a quiet lunch, shower leisurely, have a pedicure and manicure and then spent some time making myself look lovely for a date with Ross. If you don't have a whole day to devote- 2 or 3 hours will be enough to do the meaty part : ) )

I wanted to share with you one of the areas where I really felt God asking me to commit to change: Quiet Time.

About a year ago, when I was still having a hard time adjusting to the new mother gig, I felt completely broken and spiritually troubled. My heart was convicted by the fact that I wasn't regularly in the Word, so I began a read-through-the-Bible-in-a-year program. And my attitude and heart drastically changed. Suddenly there was life and there was hope. At a time when it was still tricky finding a few minutes to brush my teeth, I devoted myself to reading the Bible at some point during the day.

Throughout the year, my quiet time has changed a lot- since a baby's schedule constantly changes. I LOVED having quiet time during Caleb's morning nap- right around 10 o'clock in the morning. I didn't have to get up any earlier than him, we had some time to eat and play and get settled, my brain was actually awake when I read. It was a sweet time. About 3 months ago, however, Caleb gave up that morning nap and my quiet time hadn't really been the same since.

I was convicted on Friday about this, about the lack of consistency. Yes, I was reading (almost) every day, but it was when I could squeeze it in. If I really wanted to learn and to grow, I needed to plan it into my day. If I really wanted it to affect my attitude for the day, it needed to be in the morning.

So I committed to getting up every day (yes, every, single one) at 7am. That may be early or late for you, but that's what's right right now for me. The tough part was the consistency of every day- even Saturday and Sunday. But I was highly convicted of this. Maybe I'd have a better attitude at church and more loving to my sweet husband if I had my heart molded by the Word even before he woke up!

I've adjusted what I've been doing a bit as well. I'm going to share the new plan here with you, because it may help you. If you have a plan that works well, by all means continue. If not, some of my suggestions may help : )

1) Get out of bed : ) Get a snack of some kind (most people like coffee), my Bible, my notebook and head to the couch in the orange room (yes, we have a newly-painted orange room...)

2) Pray for attentiveness of mind and an open heart.

3) Read Scripture (I was using an on-line read-through program, but I found it part to keep up the pace. I think I'm on track to read the whole Bible in 2 years, not one : ) That's okay, though. Today, I read all of Joel. I'd never read there before!)

4) Jot down key verses or an application piece in my new notebook. (This was new for me, too- but I know I needed to respond to the Word somehow or I was just going to forget it.)

5) Pray EVERYDAY for Ross, Caleb, Baby Girl (It's sad to admit, but I wasn't doing this with consistency. This is such a great act of love and an opportunity for my faith to grow as the LORD answers my prayers. Among other things, I make sure to pray for my children's salvation each and every day.)

6) Pray for any other requests.

7) Meditate. (I learned about this in college and have been rereading material on it. I'll blog about it more... later.)

8) Write to-do list for the day in my new notebook.

That last one may seem out of place. A to-do list? In your Scripture notebook? Here's the justification behind it:

- I'm already sitting down and it's quiet, early in the morning, it's the perfect time to think about how we are going to spend the rest of the day.

- I look at my to-do list 10+ times a day, if I write it in my notebook, I'm looking at the Scripture I read that day, too.

- By writing it in my notebook, right after reading and praying, I can connect my activities with spiritual things. These things are how I am going to live out my faith today.

- By writing them in a notebook, and not 100 little pieces of paper, I can look back and see consistency and patterns and be encouraged as God gives me the strength to do things, both big and small

I'm excited to see how this new structure for quiet time affects my life and the life of my family. Again, I encourage you- take a few minutes and think through what you do. How can you do it better?

Here are the verses I wrote down this am:

Joel 2:12-13

New International Version 1984 (NIV1984)

Rend Your Heart

¹² “Even now,” declares the LORD,
“return to me with all your heart,
with fasting and weeping and mourning.”

¹³ Rend your heart
and not your garments.
Return to the LORD your God,
for he is gracious and compassionate,
slow to anger and abounding in love,
and he relents from sending calamity.

Personal Retreat

I am SO excited for tomorrow! Caleb is going to spend the entire day with my parents while I stay home and take a personal retreat.

I first heard the idea in Shopping for Time by Carolyn Mahaney and her 3 daughters. And then a dear friend of mine was able to go on one several months ago.

Here's the basic premise: you take a considerable chunk of time to be by yourself to read the Word, to pray, and to think. The goal is to spend a small piece of time away from your responsibilities so that you can attend to them BETTER.

I'm excited. I have always been a thinker and an analyzer. I often stop myself and ask "Why am I doing this?" "Is it really worth my time?" Tomorrow will be an opportunity to look over our family's schedule and to make some important decisions. "What are we doing with our time?" "Is it the best use of our time, right now?"

One of the main concepts that I LOVE from the book is the idea that there are lots of good ways to spend our time- lots of opportunities to love and to serve. However, our lives move through seasons. What was the best thing for me to do when I was in college is not the best now that I'm a married stay-at-home mom. Tomorrow, I'll be able to ask God for help making wise decisions during this season- this precious time of being a wife and a mom to just Caleb. And because I'll have all day- I can actually wait for His guidance and an answer.

Tomorrow, I will also look at my relationships and ponder how I can do them better.

How can I love Ross well? How can I be a help to him in this season?

What ways can I make Caleb feel special in the months leading up to the baby's birth?

What people in my life right now does God want me to minister to and encourage?

Let's face it. We all know hundreds of people and we all would really like to hang out with many of them, learn from them and pour into their lives. But we don't have the time to do all that with everybody. Tomorrow will be an opportunity to think about 2 or 3 extra relationships that need that kind of care.

I'm excited for tomorrow. A day to read and pray and think. And maybe I'll throw a pedicure in there, as well : )

Today's Appt : )

To anyone and everyone that prayed for me... thank you.

Yesterday afternoon, I was able to spend some quiet time telling the LORD all of my concerns and really pondering what it means to trust Him. I was also able to read some good material on the spiritual disciplines and to ponder how Christ is the one who changes us- not our strivings at righteousness. These 2 things plus your prayers put my soul in a very comforting spot.

Thank you.

My appointment went really well. The top number of my blood pressure was high again- but the midwife and I agreed that it is simply whitecoat hypertension. The plan is for me to continue monitoring it at home and those numbers will go in my chart. They will STOP taking it at the office. They will continue monitoring my protein levels (which have been totally negative so far). If my blood pressure goes up at home, then they will do something. If not, we have nothing to worry about.

Thank you, Jesus!

This should make for a much less stressful 3rd trimester!

The midwife also measured the baby (she's growing just right) and listened to her heartbeat (it sounded beautiful) and felt that her head is down (good girl!)

Right now we are praising God for His faithfulness. Today it is being demonstrated through his blessing. Even if a complication does arise- we KNOW he is forever good!