To the Hospital and Back

So I didn't really mean to fall off the face of the earth for a week... but it kinda feels like I did. Let me give you an update on my health : )

Last week was very busy, fruitful and productive. I felt good about all that I had accomplished, but by the time Friday evening rolled around, I was very, very tired! Saturday morning, I woke up and felt a little better and started working around the house again- then we went to my cousin's birthday party and I got exhausted again. I couldn't wait to get to bed Saturday night. Sunday was church and then a get-together for my father-in-law's birthday. My mother-in-law made a delicious meal, that I could only eat about 1/2 of. The delicious meal is typical of Geneva. My lack of eating it was not...

We laid Caleb down for a nap at Ross' parents and I laid down too. That evening, I still felt unwell- no appetite, some mild nausea and a very low grade fever. I debated if I should do anything about it, but seeing that it's not just me affected by my illness, but Baby Girl as well, I went ahead and called the midwife's office.

I left a message and got a call back 3 minutes later. (I've never had that speedy of a call back anywhere- let alone on a Sunday night!) The midwife on-call was very kind- told me to snack on something with protein, drink a lot of water, take some tylenol and make an appt 1st thing Monday morning. She told me that a stomach bug had been going around and that I needed to be "assessed" : ) I followed her directions exactly.

Monday morning comes and I still don't feel well. I call and make an appt to be seen at 8:50 am. I then call my mother-in-law, who agreed to help however necessary. (Note: my parents were in Disneyland at the time...) Ross waits for his mom to get there, loads us up in the car and then heads to work.

We (Geneva, Caleb and I) arrive at the midwife's office and I am seen by a midwife I have heard good things about but have never seen before. She doesn't seem to be too worried by my illness- tells me to follow the BRAT diet, drink water and feel better. She measures my growing tummy and listens to the baby's heart beat... and seems a bit concerned. Tells me that she knows her heartbeat changed while we were listening to it, but not if it had gone from her regular rate down or an accelerated rate back to regular.

They put me on an electronic fetal monitor for 20 minutes. Meanwhile, Caleb and Grandma GG sit patiently in the waiting room. The midwife reads the monitor strip and is now concerned because I had 1 contraction and afterwards, the reading dips down a bit. She writes a prescription for me to have an ultrasound and an hour long monitoring session done at the hospital and sends me on my way.

At this point, I'm still nauseated and exhausted, and now, fearful. Is there something really wrong with my baby?

My mother-in-law drives us home real quick because they want me to eat something before the long test. I call Ross on the way and try not to cry. He tells me all will be just fine and to "be strong, okay?"

By the time we get to the hospital, Geneva and I have decided that she will stay with me as I register and figure out where I'm going and how long it should take. Then she will take Caleb back home to run around and play. I don't really want to be left alone, but there are no other options. Caleb can't come with us into the triage area.

Registration goes fine. The lady keeps commenting on how adorable Caleb is. Geneva and Caleb leave and I have some sense of peace. God is here. I'm a big girl. We'll handle this. I have the ultrasound, and the very kind technician asks me why I'm having it. I tell him that my uterus is measuring small and my baby's heart rate seemed irregular. He tells me she is measuring exactly average and that everything looks perfect. He assesses her on 4 areas and gives her a 100%. Huge relief.

I go upstairs to labor and deliver triage to have the monitoring done. The nurse is kind and basically leaves me alone, lying on my side, with a belt around my waist. I try to rest as I listen to the sound of Baby Girl's very regular sounding heart rate.

Suddenly, Lisa, the midwife I've been seeing regularly for my last 4 appt appears and wants to know why I'm there. She knows why the other midwife sent me- she asked that to reassure me that there is no real good reason for me being there. I've been measuring small for the past several weeks- but she could feel that the baby herself was the right size. And as for the contraction and drop of heart rate, she figures that the baby shifted away from the monitor once the contraction finished.

She notes that my ultrasound was perfect- that the first part of this long monitoring looks great and that I really just need to go home, drink fluids and get sleep. I agree with her that I just want to go home. She says she has some other people to see and then she'll come back and "set me free" : )

Then things got really crazy. Not for me- but in the triage area. A lady showed up in mid-labor in tons of pain with a baby feet down. She wasn't agreeable at all- didn't want to register downstairs, didn't want her cervix measured, didn't want to share her medical history. Wanted the C-section as soon as possible, but didn't want an IV. The nurses were having a difficult time keeping her calm and I was having a difficult time not being able to console this poor woman.

It took Lisa a little longer than she had expected to "release" me, but it did happen. Geneva and Caleb came and picked me up and then I went to bed.

This all happened Monday. Tuesday the stomach bug went from my upper tract to my lower. I called the midwife Wednesday and they suggested some medicine that worked wonders. My parents came home Wednesday too, so Caleb spent Thursday with them so I could continue resting. Today, I feel a little worn down, but I'm eating good and have no nausea or other nasty symptoms. Baby Girl continues to move around well.

Thanks to all of you who have been praying for me. Whether you knew about our specific situation or not. God was ever-present during this time. While at the midwife's, in the ultrasound room, in triage, while puking into the toilet. His presence could be felt : )

Hopefully, the next 6 weeks or so (crazy how soon, huh?!?) will be less dramatic. I will keep you up-to-date, regardless : )

Digging into James

Last December, I wasn't quite sure if I was going to enroll in our church's Women's Bible Study for this spring semester. How long was I actually going to be able to attend? Was I going to have time to do homework?

I presented these concerns to my dear husband, who gently, but firmly, told me that Bible Study was good for me and that I should sign-up. Don't worry about what you won't be able to do and just enjoy what you can learn when you are able to go.

I was happily surprised by his quick, positive, straight-forward answer. (Don't we need that sometimes? Just somebody to say "Go for it!") So I looked over the class options and decided on the class that was the most expensive and had the most homework. : ) What was Ross' response to that? "Obviously!" he exclaimed, with maybe a tinge of sarcasm, but mostly with a complex understanding of his slightly crazy wife.

That class was a Precepts Upon Precepts study of the book of James. I am soooo glad that he encouraged me- that I picked that one- and that he let me go through with it : )

We are 3 weeks into the course. I've read the book of James at least 10 times. I've read chapter 1 at least a dozen times. I've read 1:1-12 too many times to count.

Some of you are probably groaning right now. I don't blame you. That doesn't sound like much fun. But believe me. God's word is full of truth and insight. And sometimes we don't get it the first time, or the second, or the third... By reading and rereading and asking questions and looking for keywords, we begin to see His heart and His will.

And what is His heart and will for us? Well, in Chapter 1- it's that our faith become perfected. How does He accomplish that? By helping us endure through trials. "Obviously!" you say (much like my dear husband did).

Now after all that reading, I can't tell you that I totally understand why that's the way God causes us to grow. I can just tell you that it's the way He uses. And that He wants us to do it joyfully. And that we will receive a crown of life if we persevere.

Our God is a good God. His Word reveals it over and over again. I want to encourage you to read it. Just start there. Reading what the Word says. Then start asking questions and looking for answers. Start talking to people about what you're reading.

It will change your life and your heart. : )

Vices are Virtues are Vices

The following thoughts are not completely my own. They stemmed from a chapter in Rachel Jankovic's book, Loving the Little Years: Motherhood in the Trenches (don't you just love that title? : ) ) I encourage you to read more of Rachel's thoughts here and to consider purchasing the book here.

Practically every personality trait can manifest itself in both positive and negative ways. Here are a few examples from my own little family.

Ross often loses track of time and is tardy to almost every engagement.

I, on the other hand, always know what time it is and strive to be early to every appointment.

When stated that way, (other than sounding terribly prideful) it highlights a positive aspect of my personality and a negative of Ross'. While it can be very easy to think in these terms, it can be more helpful for our marriage if I think of it this way:

Ross' agenda is not constrained to a clock. He enjoys each moment of life and moves on to the next activity when it seems appropriate to do so.

I, on the other hand, am a slave to time and often don't enjoy the moment because I'm too busy preparing myself for the next thing on the agenda.

See how, basically, it's the same trait being demonstrated- just manifesting itself differently? I may get angry when Ross is late getting home from work one day (even though he was spending the time building relationship with a non-Christian co-worker) but I probably don't mind it too much if he leaves late for work one morning because he and I had a meaningful conversation.

The same principle works with your kids.

Caleb sometimes laughs when I scold him. I, on the other hand, am quick to obey orders.

or

Caleb is not afraid of conflict and confrontation. I, on the other hand, melt when someone corrects me- so my obedience is often just an attempt to avoid any conflict whatsoever.

Let me encourage you to take a few minutes and think about the people you live with. What are some ways that they annoy or irritate you? Can they use that same trait in a positive way? Do they? How can you encourage them to do so? What are some traits in yourself that manifest themselves negatively? How can you focus on bringing out the positive in yourself?

Here's the truth. God made us unique and different. We image Him in so many ways. Sin came into the world and corrupted EVERYTHING- most especially, those personalities He designed. Jesus came and lived out a perfect life. Because of His sacrifice on the cross, we now have the grace and power to live rightly like He did. He can transform our hearts and help us to live out that unique personality in a way that glorifies God, not our sinful selves.

Thanks, Jesus!!

I've Counted up the Cost...

In the past week, I've had the opportunity to listen to 2 great speakers and to one awesome band. God is using them to speak to my heart- convicting it and asking me to change.

And I want to.

But I don't.

'Cuz I'm scared.

Our God is a BIG God. He does BIG things. He does strange and unconventional things. His ways are above our ways... and they don't always make sense to us.

But when God works- awesome things happen.

He brings life to dead places.

He saves and redeems hearts.

Something inside me wants to be a part of this BIG, unconventional, spiritual, inspiring work. And something else inside wants to hide in the corner.

The unknown is scary!

These thoughts and fears are revealing to me my need to get to know this BIG God better.

I need to be in the Word even more- looking for His mighty hand at work.

Trusting that He hasn't changed and that while He may lead His people to dangerous places, they are safe in His arms.

I need to take steps of faith outside my comfort zone. He will use me and every little experience that I have of listening to His voice and obeying will give me more personal examples of his faithfulness and trustworthiness.

The awesome band that I mentioned earlier (Rend Collective Experiment is their name) has a song called "The Cost." Caleb and I danced to it the other day and I just broke down in tears. I so want to sing this song from my heart, but a part of me is still fearful.

I encourage you to listen to the song here.

Think about the lyrics. Can you sing them honestly?

I'm in the process of counting up the cost.

I know that He is SO worth it : )

No Perfect Time

I am a firm believer in the idea that your spouse should be your best friend. That they should know what is on your heart- what brings you great joy, what hopes you have for the future and what is, most currently, bringing you anxiety or stress. God desires for us to be one with each other, and that means our hearts just as much as our bodies and lives.

I want to share absolutely everything with Ross, but some things are delicate. Some things have a lot of thought behind them and a lot of emotion invested in them. Some things involve sin and conviction and repentance. Some things are heavy- not light.

And so I wait... for the "perfect" time to talk.

I hope some of you are laughing right now. Because, in reality, the "perfect" time doesn't exist.

It didn't exist before Caleb, either, but some times seemed perfect- now, none do.

I've had some things on my heart lately, and I had been waiting for the weekend to discuss them with Ross. The weekend came. Friday night we saw Francis Chan with some people from the youth group. You can't have meaningful conversation while you're listening to someone else speak! It took us nearly 45 minutes to leave the parking lot. That seemed like an opportunity, but Ross was growing increasingly impatient. Nope. Talking with a frustrated husband while he's behind the wheel is definitely not a good idea...

And the excuses keep coming. It's hard to talk while Caleb is running around the house. You leave him alone for a second and he's got two hands in the toilet. It's near impossible to talk with a football game on the television. (Insert sigh here.) Take heart, dear friends. There's none on next weekend, 1 game the Sunday after that, and then we are free for several months...

So all this distraction goes on and my need for deep conversation grows deeper and deeper still until it's Sunday night and we're crawling into bed. "I want to talk to you," I say to my eyes-halfway-open husband. "Okay," he mumbles. With my eyes closed and my nose somewhat scrinched up I say that this isn't exactly the atmosphere I had hoped for our conversation. He opens his eyes wide, looks straight at me and says what he's said 100 times before. "There's no perfect time. Just go for it."

And I did. And I'm glad.

Perhaps you have a conversation that needs to be had. And there hasn't been a good time to have it. The perfect time isn't coming anytime soon, dear friend. Just go for it : )

The Gift of Pregnancy

Have you ever been to a shower where you prayed over the woman of honor? I think it is the coolest idea. My first experience with that was my own baby shower for Caleb. Our pastor's wife shared some biblical thoughts on motherhood and then she prayed for Caleb, my mom prayed for me and a lady who had mentored Ross and me in the youth group prayed for Ross. There wasn't a dry eye in the room and my heart was so very encouraged.

A few months later, it was our pastor's wife's turn to be prayed over : ) She was expecting her 3rd boy (that's requires prayer in and of itself!) and several ladies from the church gathered together to shower her with love, gifts and prayer. I had been asked to praise God for this pregnancy. I had never really thought about that before, but I found such joy in thanking God for the gift of pregnancy.

At 30 weeks pregnant myself, I've been thinking about that more and more lately. Isn't God good to give us the gift of pregnancy?

Just think. He could deliver babies to our arms in so many ways (the stork comes to my mind...) but instead, He asks for our participation for 9 months. He causes our children to grow inside us- completely dependent on us for nourishment and protection. Before we even see or hear our babies, we are deeply, emotionally connected to them.

That's a gift.

And then there's the process of actually bringing them into the world (I'm sure I'll blog more about this as our big day approaches!) He could just bring them to us, but instead He asks for our participation and for our trust.

While pregnancy can start to get a little uncomfortable, and life with a baby belly can be hormonally charged and physically exhausting, God uses ALL of it to connect us to these little people- before anyone else gets to meet them.

Isn't that the coolest thing? Yes, Ross has felt the baby kick and heard her little heartbeat, but he doesn't know her like I do. You can't possibly know her like I do. For she is growing inside me, and God is growing my heart and filling it with His love for her.

In a couple months, I'll have to share Baby Girl with you. And I will want to, but for now, I'm enjoying getting to know her all by myself : )

Psalm 139:13

New International Version 1984 (NIV1984)

¹³ For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

The Epi-Pen

For several months, our family fought diaper rash long and hard. Poor Caleb's bottom was often bright red and raw. Our pediatrician (who we mostly really like) kept giving us topical things to put on it. It would get a little better, then far worse.

After talking to LOTS of moms, we became convinced that it wasn't an external problem, but an internal one. Caleb was eating something that was bugging him. So we experimented with lots of things- substituting rice milk for cow's milk, avoiding baby wipes entirely, we even took a very expensive trip to a naturopathic doctor. She told us to give up cow's milk entirely (milk, cheese, yogurt, etc) as well as bananas and soy. We did and things got better but not perfect.

I finally made an appointment with an allergist. She is super sweet and kind (even though she ordered a test that poked my baby a bunch of times...)

The results? Caleb is not allergic to cow's milk- or the lactose or protein inside it. He's not allergic to bananas or soy. He's not allergic to a single grass or mold (as of yet...). He is, however, severely allergic to tree nuts.

Go figure, right?

We've continued avoiding cow's milk of all kinds. Caleb drinks goat's milk with a multivitamin and a probiotic stirred in. We still don't use typical baby wipes, but wet paper towels. (Not only less chemicals, but less money, too.)

And I now carry an Epi-Pen where ever I go.

I picked them up from the pharmacy yesterday and listened with wide eyes as the pharmacist explained how to use it and, if I ever do, that I must call 911- because this is a serious emergency. I looked back at Caleb happily dangling his feet in the shopping cart and took a deep breath.

Ross spent quite a bit of time yesterday "playing" with the training device that comes with the pens. He "shot" it into his own leg several times and tried keeping Caleb still enough to try shooting it into his. (Just in case you have no idea what I am talking about... the real one has a needle in it. The trainer doesn't. Still, I wouldn't let Ross get near me with the training device...)

As Ross is sitting on the floor, trying to get Caleb still so he can practice on him, I mention that if he was really having an allergic reaction so bad that we would need to use it, we probably wouldn't be thinking about not hurting him with the pen- adrenaline would probably take over.

Ross nodded his head in agreement and then we both looked at Caleb- smiling, as he tried grabbing the trainer out of Daddy's hand.

I wanted to cry.

And then I remembered a truth that we have to live by everyday, some days more fervently than others.

Romans 8:15

"For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, 'Abba, Father.' "

Yes, LORD. I am not a slave to fear. Yes, it is true that some horrible, awful thing could happen to my son. But it's not my job to fear it. If fear overtakes me or something truly awful does happen, I can cry "Abba, Father!" and know that you hear me.

What a relief!