Out of My Hands

We went to a church event last night and I was asked, at least 10 times, when our baby is expected to come. "March 26th!" I said over and over again- half excitedly, half fearfully.

That's less than 3 months away.

I'm starting to get nervous.

Not about the newborn stuff- not the crying and the lack of sleep and the needing to be held all the time stuff. I think I'm ready for that. I'm a little anxious about the nursing stuff- since last time was such a disaster. But I'm hopeful for that too. All of that stuff doesn't make me nervous, it makes me want to hurry up and take a nap.

I'm more nervous about childbirth.

Not the painful stuff, either. I know I can do that. Caleb came with Pitocin and without pain drugs. That hurt. But not for long. I know my body is capable and my husband wonderfully supportive. It will hurt but I'm not worried about that either.

I'm worried something is going to go wrong.

And there's nothing, really, I can do to prevent it. I'm eating well- busying moving and chasing Caleb around- I don't smoke or drink or do drugs. My health has been quite good through this pregnancy. I'm doing what I can- but some things just happen.

What if I develop preeclampsia and have to be induced again?

What if baby girl doesn't get her act together and her head down and I end up with a C-section?

What if something really horrible happens... to her... to me?

I have little control over these things and that's what makes it so scary. And with less than 3 months to go, everything feels so very real.

I have recently found comfort in 2 things.

#1- My grandma put a little verse card in my stocking this year- the cute ones you can buy at the Christian book store. It quotes Romans 15:13 " May the God of hope fill you will all joy and peace as you trust in Him." That verse inspires my heart. As I trust in Him, in all those things that I can and can not see, He will fill my heart with joy and peace, because He is a God of hope. (Insert big sigh here) Yes, God- help me to trust you and help me to treasure your joy and peace.

#2- This morning, I was praying and started asking God to reveal to me any lies that I may be believing that are contributing to my fears. He very clearly revealed it to me, almost instantly. I've been believing that the status (healthy or not-so-much) of my pregnancies and the success of my deliveries (whether it went the way I wanted or not) is a reflection of my worth. Like, a good mom would have a complication-free pregnancy and birth. Like I somehow have control over it and if it doesn't go as I planned, then it's my fault.

This is totally a lie. Whether I am healthy for 9 months and deliver a baby with little help or I'm bedridden for 9 months and deliver a baby C-section, either way, I am valuable and worthy to Him.

Many people struggle with performance issues and God. Like if only I was smarter, He'd love me. Or if only I was more merciful or patient or kind or pick-your-favorite-fruit- He'd love me. My flesh wants to find value in my childbirthing abilities. How silly!

Our value and worth comes from God alone. He made us. We are His. And His Son shed His precious blood for us. That's where my value and worth comes from. Not perfect lab work and quick labor progression.

I have a feeling I won't be able to tell myself this truth just today and be "all better." I think, for the next 3 months, I'm going to have to repeat this to myself over and over again.

Romans 15:13 "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him."

Psalm 139:13 "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb."

Ephesians 2:8-10" For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith- and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God- not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do."